There's rosemary, that's for remembrance.
William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

Friday, November 16, 2007

moments in a life less lived.

This is going to be one of those posts where a commenter might wonder what in the hell they can say.....probably best not to.

It is my need for happys or have a great day wishes. Birthdays have not been special for a very long time....decades actually. I can mark some pretty sad/bad events with my birthdays.....some forgotten by my mother, two when she sent me a card in the wrong month. Others over 63 years that should just stay buried.

For the last 9 years I have been alone on 5 birthdays; no Steve, no kids, just me and the cats and doggies. Steve is here today and he will be home until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. We don't have any great plans. We might go out to dinner, maybe see a movie. The kids will call and I will cry after we hang up, but I always do that. They have sent meaningful gifts because they are wonderful in that way. I know they all love me.......but the truth is this is just another Friday.

I believe I was conditioned to make it just another day; conditioned by my mother and by rosemary....yup, it is safer that way.

But if my parents didn't toot my horn, then maybe it is time to toot it myself......but just a little bit. After posting that meme yesterday, re-reading #'s 3 and 4 and the comments from my blogger friends, perhaps I should try to think a bit more positively before I have no time left to do that. I don't want to read a scolding comment, I don't want cheery sentiments, I just need to say the following and have it out there just for me.

I was a good kid. I got into trouble in my teens and made some pretty bad decisions, but I needed guidance not constant criticism from my folks.

I was a kid raising kids. I had my first baby before my 17th birthday and my second before my 19th birthday. My third child was born when I was 24. They have horrible fathers but I was the best mother I knew how to be. You betcha I made mistakes, but I knew and know how to say I am sorry. My kids were and are my heart, breath, conscience and my soul.

I have worked since I was a teenager. I baby sat and had to buy my own clothes with that earned money. I had a paper route when 2 of my kids were toddlers. I took them in a wagon and walked the route. It was a miserable job. I cleaned houses to put myself through Nursing school. I was a cleaning weirdo long before I ever did this for a living. I was a hard worker. I never left anything undone with any job I ever had.

I went to Cosmetology school and totally wasted the scholarship money I got to go there. I hated Cosmetology school and the job itself. I lasted just months at it and never renewed my original license. I had wanted to be a doctor throughout grammar and high school. I settled for Nursing. I was a welfare mother while I was in Nursing school, but I used the system for its original get a job and support my children by myself.

I worked my ass off in Nursing school. I studied and studied and was an A student. I loved bedside nursing, I was a great nurse and know that I touched and actually changed some of my patients lives. My one professional mistake? I left the bedside, my uniform and school cap for business attire and Case Management.

My silver years have been lonely because of choices I have made all by myself. These are things about myself that I KNOW AS FACT: I am a whiner. I have low self esteem. I stay home because it is safer here. I don't travel much because I am out of my element and uncomfortable. I don't easily make or keep friends. I have trust issues. I have told lies. I stole a bathing suit when I was in high school. I have gotten speeding tickets.

I am pretty normal I think. I am proud of my accomplishments in life. I am a bit of a recluse and a bit weird too....but I am closer to normal than not. I have made a contribution to the world. No, my passing won't be heralded over the air waves or on, but I will be missed and hopefully remembered with love for a long time. I am rosemary with a small r because my moments have been in a life less lived. Today is my 63rd birthday.


Anne Bradshaw said...

Found your post while blog hopping this morning and just had to say the HB words :-) Hey, what's a birthday without the good wishes? So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

jp said...

This is me ignoring your request.

Happy birthday, I so mean it.

more cowbell said...

Hi Rosemary. I hear you. I understand about the "no cheery sentiments" and all. I have some similar birthday issues with that day somehow being a magnet for some very bad events over the years. Which I will email you about because it's not blog material.

OK, just one not-so-serious comment: Let the bathing suit go, honey. Just that; it's an easy one. ;-)

Mom said...

You have a man and three children who love you. That is good enough for any day of the year.
CB is right. Let the bathing suit go.

Auld Hat said...

I never listen to my mother:
Happy Birthday Rosemary with a big 'R'.
I love you.

Lorraine said...

I never listen to Hat's mother either. Happy frakking birthday! I love you. Deal with it.

Rhea said...

I really appreciate your honesty. It's really hard when you have parents who are critical of you when you're a child. It is nearly impossible to shake. I speak from experience. I will not say happy birthday. Nope, I won't do it. You asked me not to.

Nunnie's Attic said...

WTF was that?? HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I love birthdays. Today is the day you were born! YIPPEE!! I will always remember your birthday. It's the same day as mine and Kenny's first date. So we'll celebrate together! Who cares what you've done in the past? It's always been my experience that you never need to explain yourself because those who matter, don't care. And those who care, don't matter.



kenju said...

Rosemary, (I refuse not to capitalize it), in keeping with your request, I hope your birthday is not one of the worst you've had. How's that?

Let the bathing suit go, and if you still feel badly about it, send an anonymous payment to the store you took it from.

You and I have a lot in common, Rosemary, especially a critical mother. You can outgrow her influence, you know. She is not around anymore, so let it go. I know that is easier said than done, but I'd like you to try. You're worth it.

Auld Hat said...

lol, I love that everyone is so aggressively ignoring your request.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I often wondered about the small "r". I've always said my name is all one word - the "m" is small, so I don't get Rose Mary. :-)

I tend to feel my birthday isn't a big deal either... I've hated being the center of attention, but I do hope you had a good one. You deserve it. I love coming here and reading your stories. You make me smile, laugh and think! You are amazing!!!!

Jennie said...

Life sucks. It hurts to come to the day, the realization, when you can't deny that you did things that you did not ever want to be a part of your history. And there they are, they happened, you did them, people know. And yet, life goes on, we stand up and get on with it somehow. Your words brought tears to my eyes. You're 20 years and two months older than I, but I know things that you speak of. We all do, don't we? What will you tell me on my 63rd birthday when I'm kicking myself and not allowing myself to live fully, unencumbered? Well, we'd better come up with something ROSEMARY because I don't want to be having this conversation at 63 and 83!
Anyway, I like that you're born today. I used to be into astrology and those born this week, like you and my Seanie, and those born in my birthday week (Jan31st) are supposed to be sympatico. There is a neighbor of my parents with a bithday tomorrow and she always knew the right things to say to me after my accident, my miscarriage, etc. She seemed to know what I was feeling. I guess I knew it all along without even knowing your birthday. Here are some cyber hugs {{{Rosemary}}}. If you can't enjoy your 63rd, be working on some words that will help me enjoy mine, please friend?

Kimberly Ann said...

I'm a new reader to your blog. I won't say the "HB" words if you don't want to hear them, but the good thoughts are there just the same. :-)

Joan said...

You may not want to make a big deal about your birthday but you are a remarkable woman who has lots to be proud of in your 63 years so forgive me for wishing you a "Happy Birthday."

Sling said...

"It is my need for happys or have a great day wishes."...

Yeah..That'll happen.

Happy birthday to my dear friend rosemary!
...please don't hate me.

Middle Child said...

Rosemary...I am 53.

Happy birthday to Youuuuu!
Happy birthday to Youuuuu!
Happy birthday to Youuuuu!
Happy birthday to Youuuuu!
I could do this 63 times but migh get a tad tiresome.
Human real good compassionate a mother, a daugher and sooo muych more a wife and a darn good blogmate
Happy birthday to Youuuuu!

Lilli & Nevada said...

Well i am late but Happy Birthday anyway,I know i did good by not mentioning my Birthday but you commented anyways LOL To me they don't mean anything any more either other than another yr older.
I sure hope you had a good day tho.

Cazzie!!! said...

Well, I am proud to have gotten to know the blogger you...and one day, we may even cross paths, what a hoot that'd be!!

mart said...

hi Rosemary x

Lorraine said...

Tee, what Hat said. Look at all the little bloggers with their fingers in their ears going, "Blah blah I can't hear you...happy birthday, Rosie". We crack me up.

Ron said...

First time on you blog and if everyone else is going to ignore you why should I listen. Happy Birthday (belated)

madretz said...

oh, and adding to my last comment in your meme post, I also love your honesty. So you can't stop blogging. and happy belated birthday, you deserve it, even days later.

Middle Child said...

You have done so well. You could have made choices and gone in other directions but your goodness didn't allow that.

Take heart sweetie and know that you have been one of the goodies in this world. There are enough baddies out there.

Middle Child said...

Bloody typos again ...bugger