There's rosemary, that's for remembrance.
William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark



Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Me, Myself and a few others.

I have the feeling this is going to be a long post with no filler pictures or videos......yesterday's video was a filler.

I am in a nostalgic mood.....probably my usual winter funk crap actually. It snowed for the first time last night. No skiff to warn me; Mother Nature just dumped a foot of snow overnight. Period. It is only NOVEMBER. This is the first snow. I am already thinking what in the hell am I doing here????? AND, the frickin plow driver left what is the first of mountains of snow and ice at the end of the driveway because he is an ass and he can.

I am here because Idaho is Steve's bliss. If anyone deserves to follow his bliss it is Steve. He wants me in Idaho with him so here I am. He loves me.

We had a variety of fur on the bed with us last night....little furs and big furs all together and no hissing. Why, it's a miracle! I slept poorly as usual and was thinking about the kittens and SweetPea as I lay really still in bed trying not to wake Steve.

This past summer was magical, sweet, lovely and sad because of Pea and her little brood. The only reason for sadness is because of the way it ended. In the beginning it was tender, heart warming and a challenge coaxing the kittens out and trying to win them over. Then it became a not so good situation with Pea pregnant again and the kittens trying to survive on bird bones. I am up several times a night and I used to go to Steve's office window and look to see if Pea was out there with the kittens. 2 AM and there she would be, snoozing in the daisies while the kittens played with air and dirt and nipped at Pea's tail. Pea was the best Momikat ever and those kittens the most adorable. They all so deserved a chance at a good life in a good home and we accomplished that. Pea is absolutely in heaven at Angela's, Luigi found his own place next door to his original adoptive parents (he wanted to be inside and so he is), Houdini is catching mice at his new home, a perfect job for him given his ability to avoid being seen or heard. And then there is Emma Lee and her brother, Guido Fortunato, the wonder kittens. We have learned you can take the kittens out of the feral but can't get the feral totally out of the kittens.

Mornings are chaotic. Emma is everywhere all at once; eating from her bowl, licking milk from Steve's glass, eating Sophie's food and that always starts a hissing-miaow contest, nudging Guido away from his bowl and even sticking her paw in my coffee chocolate mix to see if she might like that as well. The dogs are jockeying for the best place to quietly eat by moving their bowls with their noses to no avail because.....THERE SHE IS....Emma....wanting to try their dog food. But when it is all over and there is not one morsel left to steal she will jump on my lap while I am reading the paper and take a bath and settle in for a nap. I love these little creatures. They manage to make me laugh every day and make me feel needed and loved. Have I told you that Guido is in fact cross eyed? I thought just it looked that way because of the big black splat on his nose. Nope, his little eyes are not quite centered. That may be the reason he is a poor jumper.

Thanksgiving was uuhnn. 13 pounds of bird for two old folks; too much work, too much food. Thanksgiving had been for all of the years I was a nurse the throw away holiday. I worked every single Thanksgiving from 1975 to 1998. I gave that day away so I could have either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day off. I don't know how to act on Thanksgiving. I made the obligatory comments...."Boy, the turkey is really moist." and "All of our work this morning paid off because everything tastes great." and then cleared the table as fast as I could. All of the kids called to wish us a happy day...they called as they were leaving for their own traditional celebrations.

My oldest son called....twice. I have blogged about my daughter and youngest son and I bet someone is saying...."Hum, I didn't know she had another son." He lives in New York and is a busy man. He is a single father raising his son. He has custody of both of his kids but his daughter was moved back to her mother in Oklahoma after being stupid. She is still having some troubles but I am praying she will outgrow or re-think some of her actions. My son has had his share of problems too. I was a less than stellar role model, he was a troubled kid and young adult. One was the direct result of the other. When it came to marriage and fatherhood though, he stepped up to the plate and has been right where he was needed. He is a good man, a wonderful son and father and I love him beyond words. It has been 9 years since I hugged him, 7 years since I have seen the kids. It is time.

I have been a less than stellar blogger friend too. I have been reading every one's blog but there were 4 days between my own posts. In my own defense, ahem, I DO HAVE ALL OF MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DONE. I need to organize all of the gifts and start wrapping and I will but first......we are going to Las Vegas!!! We leave Saturday. Steve is attending a big Pharmacy conference at the Venetian and we are staying at Treasure Island.....right next to the MALL!! The weather is supposed to be good, at least that's what the weather bookies say. I will start packing tomorrow and getting all of the doggie stuff gathered for their stay in doggie jail aka the "Lodge."

I had mentioned in a previous post that I had considered more than once to stop blogging. I considered it again this past weekend. I am not going to stop blogging and for sure I am not going to stop visiting and commenting on every one's blog and here comes the but......but, I am not going to pressure myself to post every day any more. In looking back through my posts, a lot of what I wrote was just stuff. I highly doubt anyone really wants to read about the minutia of my day, my whining about missing my kids and blah, blah, blah. If I was a talented writer, funny, clever or even mildly interesting then that would change my feelings about this blog adventure. But.....the whole reason I started this blog was to leave a piece of myself for my children and anyone else that happened upon it and found I had something of importance to say. My daughter reads it, my daughter-in-law reads it, but if I happened upon this blog I would just click out and be on my merry way. So, I am going to try to put meaning in my words, post pictures that my kids and all of you might find interesting and leave the crap out.

As part of that plan I bought for my children and Steve's children, The Legacy Keeper. It is a memento box with a MP3 player, little cubbies for pictures etc. The player holds 8 hours of whatever...family talking, remembering, music, just whatever someone might want to preserve. The recordings can then be downloaded to a CD. I told my daughter and youngest son what I had gotten for them because this is the kind of gift I thought they might get for me and I wanted to be sure there were no duplications because it is not an inexpensive gift. They both reacted rather blandly. Then I asked them if I died tomorrow did they have my voice recorded anywhere? Would they remember what I sounded like? Remember my laugh? Did they want to have that? I think once they get the gift it will be more meaningful. This isn't just for my kids to use with me. My son-in-law's father is not well. My daughter-in-law's parents are from Japan and I can only imagine the stories they have to share. My step-children have extended family on their mother's side that can tell them about their grandparents and Steve has a lot to tell them about his family. Hopefully the boxes and player will be used and appreciated.

So, on all of these happy notes I am off to wipe a clean counter, vacuum another already vacuumed carpet and think of something brilliant for my next post....how about how I met my various husbands, some of my high school experiences, some nursie stories??? Let me know.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Cat speak....translation.

This may be all over blogland by now....but...you know me and cats/kittens. I couldn't resist.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Gobbledegoooooo

We wish all of you a happy, family filled, glorious Thanksgiving. Steve and I will be cooking a turkey and all of the fixings for the two of us....13 pounds of turkey, Steve's nasty dressing with enough onions to do serious breath damage, mashed potatoes, Steve's salad (see dressing ingredient), rolls and some other stuff I have forgotten. The kitties are feeling festive and want to help:

Sophie is taking a little nap in the kitten toy basket trying to decide if she wants light or dark meat.


From left to right, Fuzz supervising, Emma making mashies and Guido dreaming of pie.

This is what our turkey will look like; little red thingies for garnish and orange slices. The gravy is perfect because it came out of a jar (I don't know how to make gravy) and all of the heirloom crystal will surround the bird.

My table will be set to perfection with everything matching....even the wine seems to be green; hum wonder what the issue is there? Did I hear someone say I lifted these pix from a picture site? Why, it seems that I did, but no matter because this is exactly what our table will look like minus only a few items....like cloth napkins and place mats and maybe the green dinnerware. BUT, I have issued a proclamation! NO PAPER PLATES, no sir, only ceramic this year. Gobble, gobble to you all.




Friday, November 16, 2007

moments in a life less lived.

This is going to be one of those posts where a commenter might wonder what in the hell they can say.....probably best not to.


It is my birthday.....no need for happys or have a great day wishes. Birthdays have not been special for a very long time....decades actually. I can mark some pretty sad/bad events with my birthdays.....some forgotten by my mother, two when she sent me a card in the wrong month. Others over 63 years that should just stay buried.


For the last 9 years I have been alone on 5 birthdays; no Steve, no kids, just me and the cats and doggies. Steve is here today and he will be home until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. We don't have any great plans. We might go out to dinner, maybe see a movie. The kids will call and I will cry after we hang up, but I always do that. They have sent meaningful gifts because they are wonderful in that way. I know they all love me.......but the truth is this is just another Friday.


I believe I was conditioned to make it just another day; conditioned by my mother and by rosemary....yup, it is safer that way.


But if my parents didn't toot my horn, then maybe it is time to toot it myself......but just a little bit. After posting that meme yesterday, re-reading #'s 3 and 4 and the comments from my blogger friends, perhaps I should try to think a bit more positively before I have no time left to do that. I don't want to read a scolding comment, I don't want cheery sentiments, I just need to say the following and have it out there just for me.


I was a good kid. I got into trouble in my teens and made some pretty bad decisions, but I needed guidance not constant criticism from my folks.


I was a kid raising kids. I had my first baby before my 17th birthday and my second before my 19th birthday. My third child was born when I was 24. They have horrible fathers but I was the best mother I knew how to be. You betcha I made mistakes, but I knew and know how to say I am sorry. My kids were and are my heart, breath, conscience and my soul.


I have worked since I was a teenager. I baby sat and had to buy my own clothes with that earned money. I had a paper route when 2 of my kids were toddlers. I took them in a wagon and walked the route. It was a miserable job. I cleaned houses to put myself through Nursing school. I was a cleaning weirdo long before I ever did this for a living. I was a hard worker. I never left anything undone with any job I ever had.


I went to Cosmetology school and totally wasted the scholarship money I got to go there. I hated Cosmetology school and the job itself. I lasted just months at it and never renewed my original license. I had wanted to be a doctor throughout grammar and high school. I settled for Nursing. I was a welfare mother while I was in Nursing school, but I used the system for its original intent......to get a job and support my children by myself.


I worked my ass off in Nursing school. I studied and studied and was an A student. I loved bedside nursing, I was a great nurse and know that I touched and actually changed some of my patients lives. My one professional mistake? I left the bedside, my uniform and school cap for business attire and Case Management.


My silver years have been lonely because of choices I have made all by myself. These are things about myself that I KNOW AS FACT: I am a whiner. I have low self esteem. I stay home because it is safer here. I don't travel much because I am out of my element and uncomfortable. I don't easily make or keep friends. I have trust issues. I have told lies. I stole a bathing suit when I was in high school. I have gotten speeding tickets.


I am pretty normal I think. I am proud of my accomplishments in life. I am a bit of a recluse and a bit weird too....but I am closer to normal than not. I have made a contribution to the world. No, my passing won't be heralded over the air waves or on MSN.com, but I will be missed and hopefully remembered with love for a long time. I am rosemary with a small r because my moments have been in a life less lived. Today is my 63rd birthday.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

memememememememe...me

Clean up news: We had a skiff of snow on the ground this morning at 6:30AM. It is 34 now and raining. Winter is here I guess. I'm taking my usual MUTT'S approach; "See you in April." I'm not stopping blogging, just any outside activity that requires I get behind the wheel of a car.

Dave at utenzi tagged me for a meme. It is a simple one thankfully because that's about all I think I can handle......I need simple.

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.

B. Each player list 6 facts/habits/secrets about themselves.

C. At the end of the post, the player then tags people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.


D. rosemary declares that you can change the rules any way you want.


My 6 facts/habits/secrets:


1. When Steve is on the road working I never sit in the living room like the two of us do when he is home. It makes me cry to be there by myself. I sit at the kitchen table, TV on and read, check blogs or email.


2. I read and eat. I am not a sit down and just read person....I have to keep my hands busy and usually eat sunflower seeds and drink a diet Coke while I read.



3. I spend way too much time thinking about all of the bad things I have done over the years. This thinking has gotten/gets in the way of enjoying my life.



4. I clean my house every day to make up for the things I think about in #3. My immediate environment is the one thing I can control. I figure if I am cleaning my house then my mind is momentarily cleansed of my bad deeds at the same time.



5. I hate my car and want to get rid of it. We can't afford that at the moment so I am stuck with the POS.



6. I have considered more than once to stop blogging.



I would like to tag.....eviltwinswife , lilli , ummm..Angela. If they don't want to do the list meme then they can just say no thanks and KIS.