There's rosemary, that's for remembrance.
William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark



Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry for not writing sooner. I haven't been unfaithful....no looking at Faces in Books, no bird sounds Tweeting in the house......no, I can't even be creative in giving you a reason why. To borrow a line from Dickens....It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I won't go on and on about it all. It is painful at the end....so I'll start at the beginning.

At the end of June we were basking in the glow of becoming bird grandparents once again. The Barn Swallow babies were poking their little helmet heads out of the bird box house, waiting for mom and dad to bring 43,000 meals a day. Nine years of bird babies and we still get excited about these marvelous creatures.



Then we had Steph and AnthonEy here for the 4th of July. What a great time we all had. The best adventure was AnthonEy fishing for the first time with Papa. A fish was caught and a lesson taught about the fun of fishing and releasing your catch. A fishing line was tangled only six times that first day. The joy of grand parenting was at its peak.


Then on the 16th of July Christine arrived for a visit. When she walked down the arrival steps at the baggage area guess what she had carried on the plane all the way from California? A dogie. She brought us a bundle of love in a boy version of Violet. Petey. He had gone through a lot since April of this year; lost, picked up by animal control, transferred to a no kill facility at the last minute and found by Chris. He is wonderful. Someone either lost or gave away a perfect 2 year old dogie. He is ours now.

He likes tummy rubs and chasing squirrels up trees. He snaps at flies almost as if Penelope was whispering in his ear about technique. He is potty and crate trained. Yup, he is perfect and Violet kind of likes him.


Saying good-bye was hard for Chris, Violet and Petey.
Dads, kids and dogs.....life was good.


The computer issues that had started while Stephanie and AnthonEy were here of course turned into a costly nightmare. We opted for a new system that was finally installed last Friday. It took two days to get the system registered and email up again. HughesNet does not transfer information when a new system is installed and we have done that 4 times. Registration starts all over again and Selena (as in the singer), Gerard (as in Butler), Alec (as in Baldwin), and George (as in Clooney) took 6 hours one day to figure it all out. Florence (as in Nightingale) took 22 minutes the next day to fix 6 hours of errors from the previous day. I still have to sync my Blackberry to my email but I can do that myself....maybe.

Old dish on the left. Remember that mess? New dish on a pole in cement further out.

Trench for wires....not finished yet. Good thing Steve had Guido to supervise.


Then......THEN, the day after Chris left.....the 20th, I got a late afternoon call from her. She started the conversation by saying, Mom, don't get mad at me......I'm in the ER at Hoag. The short version is: She worked all day with chest and left arm pain and then drove herself to the ER. She didn't want to call Todd because he and Tyler were at surf camp on vacation so I called him. She was miserable, in pain, being fed NTG like M&M's, had an echo and stress test that showed heart damage, went on to have angiography that couldn't find the damage, barfed her guts out numerous times, couldn't shower (women will understand) and was sent home Wednesday night. I arrived the same evening after finally getting a ticket for under 1200 smackeroos. She needed sleep, rest and I hope her mom. She is still having pain episodes and is being treated for Chondro Chondritis, but her family doc isn't sure that she is out of the woods at all. More to follow as the puzzle is put together.

So.......here are my thoughts on this whole thing.....

Why did my daughter think I would be mad at her? Because she worked all day in pain or because I am a bitch?

This is out of sequence....my daughter shouldn't have to be going through this. It is absolutely not her turn. She exercises, takes care of herself, yes, she does need to change some dietary issues......but she is in her early 40's. It should be my turn.

Why is it that the only way I can cope with life is to clean, clean, clean? I cleaned my daughter's house...she has a housekeeper that comes in twice a month. I managed to make my grandson angry with my cleaning. All I did for my girl was tell her to lay flat, take a nap, stop bending her leg, get some sleep, ask her about her coffee, watch movies with her. What am I worth? The cost of a vacuum? Is that all I have given my kids?

For some reason....my uselessness I guess.....for the first time in 11 years I felt like a visitor in California. It was the first time I had ever stayed with my children....in their home, in a grandchild's bed. It felt off line. I have become a cliche....You can never go home again....that's for sure...no childhood in my future.

Steve managed just fine while I was gone. Right before I left the DVR went out. He didn't miss it and waited for me to get back home before he installed the new one. I only needed to leave 3 pages of instructions for the care of the pets. He washed his dishes, managed to find the dirty clothes hamper, did the bulk of the trench/satellite work by himself, and flushed the toilet without one reminder from me. I asked him if he felt good about batching it. He told me my job was secure and he was happy to be an uninformed husband again. I wonder.

I am so far behind in reading blogs I'm in 2008. I feel like closing shop, going away from blog land, living in a cave for a while but am not sure I want that either. I am afraid...afraid for my daughter, afraid I can't cope with life and loss. Everything changes, everything stays the same. I am still....just....rosemary in lower case letters.

17 comments:

utenzi said...

You're really second guessing yourself a lot here, Rosemary. Granted there's a lot of history going on but still, give yourself a break. Your daughter needed you and you went to help. I hope she recovers fully. It sounds scary!

cs said...

oh dear northern neighbor--it seems you have a lot on you plate again--only this incident with your daughter is no laughing matter. Take a deep breath, keep praying and trust in Him. I will add your daughter to our prayer list over here. You are a wonder-mom and G-ma. You did the right thing and I know you would do it all over again--hopefully no need to though. hugs to you...love your pix...we adore our swallow friends down here--we have violet green swallows and lots more others we watch too....many hugs and sending love--c

sageweb said...

rosemary, one big hug for you and congrats on the new puppy. But listen lady, you must be loved so much, there is no way I would ever call my Mom for help. She loves you and so does everyone. Hope you daughter is getting better.

Mom said...

Can you feel the great big virtual hug I am giving you?
Your daughter called you because she needed you because she was scared and she need her mommy.
You have had a summer full of blessings - glad you shared some of them with us.
Living in your grown up kids homes is not always easy. You do it because they need you to be there.
Please don't leave your blogland friends. Take a break when you need to, but we need your voice here.You are part of us and we need you.
Love is being sent your way in abundance.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Please keep us updated on her progress! It sounds scary, but I'm glad you could be there for her. I'm sure she felt your comfort. {{{Hugs}} - I hope things calm down for you soon!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

will head out to st. mary's tomorrow for a prayer marathon...will personaly ask Jesus's mama for intervention..so..candles will be lit and prayers will be sent..now..sit down and relax and leave it to the Goddess...she'll provide...
chin up..tits out..

jan said...

You've really had the peaks and valleys of life the past few weeks. I know your daughter was really glad that she could call on you and you would be there. It is scary when anything happens with our children or grandchildren, we feel so helpless.

Petey is such a sweetheart and I know he will bring much happiness.

Don't disappear for so long.

kenju said...

Rosemary, I am sorry that you had to go through all that, and I hope that your daughter will heal well and quickly. I am glad you were able to go and be with her.

jp said...

I'm seeing a LOT of positive to focus on here, the biggest of which being that everyone is okay and it sounds like they're going to stay that way.

And if you need to burn anymore energy you can come clean my house next.

madretz said...

challenges...never fun nor easy to go through. but what i do know is that your daughter needed you and you were there for her, through the awkwardness of being in her home, vs what you're both used to - her in your home - she definitely appreciated her mom. Rosemary, I really can't tell you how often, when I'm feeling very sick and yucky, i just wish my mommy were here. and w/ something this serious, you both needed to be there for each other. I hope she's feeling better and will recover fully.
cute new puppy dog, too. a wonderful family addition!

more cowbell said...

Oh no! Oh you must've been so scared, Rosemary. And yes, the "don't be mad, Mom" was definitely because she kept working through it and drove herself (!!), and she knew that was a big no-go. Hmm, wonder where she gets that hard work ethic from? Just sayin.

Yes, before I even got to the part where you said this, I was thinking, "What?! But Chris exercises and snowboards and does all kinds of stuff and she's in great shape, WTF?" And she's about my age ... damn, I need to stop being such a slackass slacker with taking care of myself. That is surprising though - please do keep us posted, Rosemary. Best best thoughts to your daughter, and to you.

Shammickite said...

When you didn't post for a long time I put your absence down to more computer troubles, but I now see that it was something far more serious. You did the right thing, dashing to your daughter's side when she needed you the most. Any mum would do the same. It's called LOVE!
I wish her a speedy recovery.... you'll have to make sure she follows all doc instructions and take it easy for a while.
Meanwhile.... great pics of the new puppy, and AnthonEy fishing, and the swallow babies. Life goes on, despite all the ups and downs.
Missed you, Rosemary.

Delci said...

I think you are going to get a get into heaven free card for running your animal hospice.

Barb said...

I hope Chris is feeling better and I know she only thought you'd be mad at her for working all day in pain. She loves you Rosemary cause you are her Mom and she knows you love her deeply. Hang in there and get some rest yourself.

I can't wait to meet the new doggie. Now Violet has a friend her own size to play with. They look cute laying on the couch together.

See you in 18 days!!!

Sling said...

Add me to the list of folks that are sending prayers and good wishes your way.

Cazzie!!! said...

Rosemary, life is a roller coaster and I am not sure how we can jump off of that ride sometimes..but I do know that keeping in touch with nature is the key. You can do that, because you have the lovely country air, and a husband that loves you.
I dearly hope your daughter can find her way to health and pain free living again.
You know, I clean when I get cross, and when I worry. W are similar here. Keeping the hands busy and the mind busy, it is our coping mechanism. At the same time, I know others don't like it, they don't like being fussed over, perhaps it is a good sign on your behalf if your daughter ad grand son got a little cross. They are now independant, and thanks to you for being such a good mum for your daughter being just so :)
Thankyou for the wondrful story on the birds, and the little new addition to your house.
Just remember, be yourself, and you are by no means a lower case Rosemary..you are lovely :)

Jennie said...

Rosemary, so sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she's doing well. You are a good mommy for helping her. She called you for a reason. This is a hard summer...life is hard...my best friend's dad was buried yesterday. It was the first time I'd seen sorrow on her face in 44 years. I do hope your summer starts looking up.