There's rosemary, that's for remembrance.
William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

Monday, November 16, 2009

It's the big one 'Lizabeth...

I remember the title line from Sanford and Son.....whenever there was a big/surprising event Fred would grab his chest and shout that line to his dead wife and look to the heavens.

Turning 65 is a big event, but only for me really. I'm not saying that my family won't call or might forget my birthday.....but.....I don't want gifts from the kids or grandkids unless they send photos. A card is OK, but I have reached the point where birthdays are for the grandkids and mine are like marks on a door that bring back memories and then there are those age related duties that include filling out forms. So, why is it a big deal? Well....I'm 65.

You all know me pretty well I think. Two of my children read this blog and they know me inside and out. 65 is as good a time as any to do a little soul searching and secret sharing. Before you comment that I need to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself, read all the way through. I have pretty good insight and know the following about rosemary:

~ I am insecure.
~ I have a lot of self doubt.
~ I am lonely most of the time.
~ My pets fill in for my kids.
~ I don't make friends easily.
~ I vacuum every day to earn my right to inhale and exhale....a punishment of sorts.
~ I made huge mistakes with my choice of previous husbands, but I have no regrets about those marriages because of my precious children.
~ I still have lingering doubts about living in Idaho (all weather related). But, knowing how I can hover, manage and butt into the lives of my children, Idaho is probably the best place for me.
~ Following that last statement, wherever Steve is that's where I will Steve and I will be in Idaho forever.
~ I have a conflicted relationship with God. I need Him in my life, I want His help, grace and peace, but I don't work towards these gifts every day....or monthly actually.
~ I didn't protect my kids growing up.
~ I've never felt pretty or even cute.
~ There are times when I wish my parents were here for me so I could ask for advice.....but.....they were rarely there for me when they were alive so what is it that makes me think they would be any different now. I think I just don't want to be the grown up, next in line for that final call, have to make difficult decisions or be the one my children look to for help......see the first two statements.
~ I don't love unconditionally...never have....there are the conditions of honesty, give and take and keeping me in the loop.

OK, having put all of that right out there here is some more stuff about rosemary:

~ I am a great mother now.
~ I have done some pretty special things for animals.
~ I have told each of my kids I am sorry over and over again for the mess that was their childhood.
~ I was a damn good fact one of the best. I was bright, caring and compassionate.
~ I gave my kids the gifts of words and music.
~ I am Steve's best friend.
~ I'd rather be home puttering than out accomplishing nothing.
~ I deeply love the forest trees.....really. I think they share their land with me, speak to me and give me some of that peace I mentioned missing above.
~ I can listen, not talk, just listen.
~ I have finally become financially aware.......never too late.
~ I am honest with myself.
~ I think my gray/white/silver hair is pretty.
~ I am not embarrassed to let someone see my faults.
~ I am proud of the fact that my house is clean.
~ I am a horrible driver and don't care.....I swear at other drivers and make hand gestures...yes, I do....and couldn't care less. Actually, I swear a lot in general; ca-ching if there is a fine for that.
~ I will no longer keep quiet when some one is messing with, taking advantage of or using me......never again.....period. the ripe old age of 65 I have put myself out there for time and all blogternity. I could go on and on about all kinds of stuff, but I think I made my point.

I deserve a good rest of my life. I will try to be a better friend to me, myself and I, and those that call me their family or friend. Pretty good goals to achieve for my 66th.


'Cause if I can't celebrate me, then why would anyone else want to?

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to a party party.

I would like you to dance--Birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance-Birthday
I would like you to dance--Birthday


CRAIG and DIANE said...

Happy Birthday Rosemary to you and your beautiful life...flaws and all, it's what makes you who you are. You are blessed in so many ways!

Mom said...

Happy birthday to you my friend. Someday I would love to come and visit your beautiful part of the world and meet you and Steve in the flesh. I think you're both very cute (I do like a man with a beard).
Life is a journey, full of good stuff and bad. Sounds to me like you've done well with the 65 years God has given you. Happy birthday with wishes for many good days to come.

Jennie said...

Happy Birthday Rosemary. I like your post, a propos for this occasion!
I just want to pass this on - my reminder gift to you today - that you can take this item off your list:
but I don't work towards these gifts every day....or monthly actually...God is giving those gifts away for free these days, you do not need to earn them! If that were the case, we'd all be going you know where in a you know what. ;)

jan said...

Happy 65th birthday, Rosemary.

I've lied most of the time through the years but I did let everyone know my 16th, my 21st and my 65th.

You seem to be where you want to be as the years have passed. And that is what counts.

gina said...

I emailed you, but with the problems we had last week with email, decided to comment here. First, happy birthday beloved friend! Next time you're coming to town, can I take you to lunch?

You are dead wrong on one point - I think you DO love unconditionally. I agree that your hair is beautiful just the way it is. I hope my hair ends up as pretty as yours once it decides what color it wants to be.

I think you are amazing, amazing, amazing, and I love you to pieces! And despite how conflicted your relationship with God is, He loves you, and totally understands you.

You are awesome and deserve the best birthday ever! Happy 65th Rosemary. You honestly do not look it!!

gina said...

Oh, and I second what Jennie said about the working toward God's gifts... he gives them to us. We just have to open our arms and hearts to receive them. Kiss, kiss - or as my cousins in Italy say, "baci, baci"!!

sageweb said...

HAppy Happy HAppy birthday!

madretz said...

Happy birthday Rosemary!! You are loved because of who you are and you deserve the best.

Love, hugs and kisses!

Barb said...

Happy 65th Birthday Rosemary!!!
You are a very kind, loving, compassionate friend. Hope you have a wonderful memorable 65th.

Random Thinker said...

Happy Birthday Rosemary - and many more. Idaho is lucky to have you!


I would not have you any other way than the way you are..big hearted and soft hearted and one of the greatest persons I have ever met. You are a blessing to your family and to your friends..i love you..i just turned 66 and it was a least you do have your family...none of mine remembered..sgh*

kenju said...

Technically I missed your birthday, Rosemary! Can you forgive me?

I think you're very cute (both now and when the last photo was taken!!)

Your plusses and minuses all even each other out!

Hope the birthday was a happy one!!

Sling said...

Happy Birthday Rosie!
When I look at your reader's comments,it seems to me that you are very adept at making friends. :)

Shammickite said...

Ditto to everything you said, cos I've got one more year to go and I'll be in the same 65 year old boat!
Happy Birthday to you Rosemary, I loved loved loved reading this post. I'm celebrating your birthday with you!

Joan said...

A very happy birthday to the Birthday Girl!!!

Miss Healthypants said...

Happy Birthday, Rosemary!! :)

Here's something else about you--you're a good writer who is always very enjoyable to read! I'm glad we became blog buddies! *smiles*

Anonymous said...

Sorry I am late to the party. But I brought beer. Now, let's go out in the yard and drink it before the snow hits.

FoxyMoron said...

Sorry I'm late Rosemary, hope you had a great day.

And what a wonderful post. I love to get to know the "real" people in blogland, not just the ones who put on their best face all the time. And you are real! :)

Stephanie said...

I love you Rosemary!! I am honored to be part of your life!