There's rosemary, that's for remembrance.
William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark



Monday, May 25, 2009

Musings of an old lady

I've had a strange string of thoughts for the last two days.....I don't expect anyone to follow, I am just thinking outblog. I'll figure it out eventually.

After talking to one of my kids I thought, I have become useless to my children....I can't help them anymore, I can't guide them, I can't be the consummate enabler, basically I am finished mothering. (Not that I was ever a "good" mother at all. I wasn't. My children grew up in the most dysfunctional family in the entire United States, and have fathers that are the poster boys for self destruction.)

This bothered me. I felt like it was time to hang it up, crawl into the coffin and make dust to dust. Then I thought about the conversation I had with one of my kids and I had said something about not wanting to die before I saw my grandchildren grow up. I didn't want to be forgotten by a grandchild that was so young they wouldn't remember me. And that particular kid of mine said, Mom, you may not live to see all of them become adults. But, they will carry a part of you forever. You will live on in them. You won't be forgotten. Oh but my dear kid, I will. Eventually. We all will.

Then today I told Steve I felt like I had outlived my usefulness and he said.....I hope we have. He went on to tell me that we have raised good kids. They will encounter problems as adults, but all we can do is hope we have given them the tools to figure out how to correct those problems and be there to listen. He is right but, only this one time.

I know there must be generational traits, quirks and perhaps emotions that are passed and passed and passed on. Logically I know that everyone dies. But, I don't want to. I don't want to stop loving my kids, my grand kids, Steve. I don't want to leave my pets, I don't want to ever stop getting up in the morning and hear squirrels and watch the deer eat my flowers. I don't want to.

How can all of my feelings, my memories, my ability to love and not love so much, to cry, laugh and feel happy and sad just go poof? How can that be? How? Isn't there a repository some place for my feelings so after I am gone I can bip over and tap into that place and get them back? And why is it that I can't fix things when my kids are sad or feeling loss or or need something that I can't figure out? Do they feel that they don't need me? I won't ask them....I don't want to hear the answer. Why can't I snap my fingers and make their world OK again....like restoring your computer when it screws up....or you screw it up?

I know I have chewed on this stuff before and of course there is no answer....things, events, whatevers will be what they will be. No control, no fix its, I'm gonna go poof, become one of those old photos in a collection, the world will continue to turn, children will grow up without my incessant worrying, blah and blah, blah, blah.

Makes no sense I know. I am just feeling a bit lost at the moment....and baring it all here in blogger land so someone can stumble upon this and think What the hell is wrong with this woman? Maybe I am feeling this way because my grandson is all grown up and really a responsible man; maybe because my kids continue to struggle in spite of my worrying or because of my past actions or lack thereof; maybe this is cosmic; maybe the stars are confused.......it is what it is and I am looking for it. I think I will actually hit Publish Post. I'm off to California for the graduation. Be back in a week probably more confused than ever.



Sunday, May 24, 2009

The celebration.......

.....of a young man that went from this on the streets of The Haight-Ashbury not so many years ago....

....to this in Huntington Beach surrounded by family love.....and the perks of clean living, a job, a car, a wonderful girlfriend AND an education that will take him full circle back to San Francisco State College in a short time.....but first
...he has to do this on the 29th of May and I'm gonna be there to celebrate Christopher. I love you my sweet grandson. YEA for you!!!









Saturday, May 23, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Stress relievers......to get over....

...losing my sweet dogie, holding our breath while waiting for a layoff to finish with Steve's company (he still has his job, thank you Dear Lord), thunder storms that scared the kitties into hiding for a whole day and scared the crap outta me, and almost hitting a tree while backing out of the garage (please, don't ask...it's embarrassing). So, here are my stress relievers in no particular order:

1. Digging in dirt
2. Washing the inside of the windows only
3. Watching all of the House Hunters episodes I have recorded
4. Cleaning the carpets upstairs
5. Taking pictures of gopher mounds....they are everywhere (According to a newspaper article, these might be voles...whatever they are I wish they'd move a million acres away)
6. Taking pictures of my daffodils....they are quite lovely
7. Looking for the first ferns of spring....none yet
8. Scratching the spider bite I got the day Penelope died is quite distracting and time consuming

See....looks nasty and that must have been one angry spider.




I don't know if I believe in the spirit world....I have been waiting decades for my mom and dad to come back in some way....you know, a sign that they are with me, because we have some unresolved issues...but.....if there are spirits Penelope and Charlie will be back and I will see them both trotting up the long trail, tails and noses in the air, looking back to be sure we are behind them. I miss Penny more than I can tell you.



Friday, May 08, 2009

Endings....

Everything breaks; plates, fences, promises, my heart.

Penelope died today. She died with dignity here, at home. She will be cremated, we will bring her home again and scatter her ashes in the forest she loved.






Friday, May 01, 2009

May Day, May Day

Every year during the month of May there would be a May Day procession to honor the Virgin Mary at my second grammar school on the other side of the tracks, St. Thomas More. All of the girls dressed in fouffy, lacy, pastel dresses, carried a floral bouquet and wore a "crown" of flowers.

A girl student would be chosen to carry the statue of the Virgin and all of the other students lined up behind her and marched around the playground and eventually into the church for Mass. I was never chosen to carry the statue...and I knew I would never be chosen. The "chosen one" had to be an A plus student, which I was not, and have demonstrated "grace" in the sense of her soul which I did not display. I had already gone through the I want to be a Sister of Charity and moved on to the I want to touch a boy stage by the time this photo was taken. This photo has June '58 on the top but my guess is that was when it was printed.

I vividly remember my last procession when I was in 8th grade. I remember going out to my dad's garden where he had sweet peas growing up the fence. I love sweet peas. I remember looking at the vine tendrils and thinking my hair looked just like them. I picked a bunch of flowers and took them inside and wove my own crown and wrapped the hand held bouquet in a paper doily. I remember standing in the dinning room of our house, my mother telling me to "Smile, dammit" the morning of the procession. I was a rebellious young girl. I remember marching in back of Vickie Sherman the Queen and sitting next to Sandy Henderson in church. Her mother had let her put on makeup. I wish I could grow sweet peas here, in Idaho...maybe I can.


The sweet pea doesn't fall far from the vine. This is a photo of my mother.