There's rosemary, that's for remembrance.
William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

I prefer two

Here are a few things I know for sure.....frozen pizza does not taste like delivery, women sweat just like men, turkey crap when dry is light like brown cheese puffs, deer are nasty to each other, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and I love being alone in the forest. The forest has replaced vacuuming as the best place for me to problem solve. Don't get me wrong....I still vacuum every day, but I walk in the forest every day too. While my problems have decreased significantly in the last five years, things pop up every now and then and tamaracks and hemlocks are the best listeners.

Five years filled with my heart beating 24/7, three great grandchildren, the kindest husband in the world (actually, he is a saint), sweet kitties and barking doggies......what could be a problem, huh?  Well, there was the foot issue, some money problems, the bike crash, the neck thing, and yesterday.

I really don't like Mondays in general.  Saturday and Sunday are no exercise days and I really enjoy not treadmilling and ellipticaling.  I have to get up at 5 on weekdays when it is hot to exercise early and that makes me cranky.  Yesterday it was hot and humid, thunderstorms were coming and with the lightening comes the threat of fires....I am afraid of fires.  I had cleaned the carpets Sunday and the whole vacuuming thing was a pain in the ass for some reason.  Add to that I hadn't taken my walk in the forest.   I was sweaty and sticky and when I got in the shower it was like standing in heaven.  I felt a lump in my left breast.

That's a really fast way to ruin a nice, much needed shower. Did I really feel that?  I felt again.....yup, there it is. Where did that come from?  Just like that it's there?   Over the course of the day I felt it oh, probably 25 times. I stupidly waited to tell Steve, it was too late to see the doc but, I finally called and asked the office to send the hospital an order for my annual mammogram that was last done in March 2013.  The office nurse asked if I wanted to come in and have it, just send the order.  When I called the Women's Imaging Center at 8:30 this morning I was told that the order was there, but it was for the wrong thing.......I needed an order for a bilateral diagnostic and ultra sound with lump in left breast.  Called the doc again, order will be sent this afternoon, called the Imaging Center back and the earliest I can get in is the 21st. 

Five years. I have gotten through a heart attack, 3 stents, a bike crash that caused me to bleed like I had amputated my arms, had my neck so jacked up that I couldn't hold my head straight, my feet hurt all of the time, I bruise if someone looks at me sideways, I take enough meds to cure heart disease in a small country, and now a fucking lump in my breast. 

I have been through the call backs after a mammogram.....they are annoying and scare the crap out of me....but, this is different for some reason.  The lump is still there.  Did I really think it was going to go away overnight? 

I don't know how to end this......I have to wait until the 21st and that is a Friday, then wait for the results and then what?  I have to wait.  In the meantime I'm gonna try talking to a Ponderosa Pine; see if that helps.


jp said...

Waiting on anything medical is the worst, although you already knew that of course. I still remember the story of you laying on the gurney in the hallway all day when you had your heart attack. And advice from invisible strangers is hardly helpful, especially those without breasts. But of the few things that I do know, I know that you have survived literally EVERYTHING, and you will survive this. I just know that.

It will be a long ten days, then probably another several more waiting back on what they find. In the mean time, keep walking in the forest, and vacuuming, loving cats and the like. Those are the things that have gotten you this far. Hugs.

rosemary said...

Thank you JP

kenju said...

We will both survive it. Mine is still there also; although I keep hoping my mammogram was wrong. We have that and the heart thing in common - I know we can beat this too!

booda baby said...

I'm pretty sure there's nothing more true than what JP wrote. We are such human beings. It's so good - so solid, pure good - that you have become a dazzling master of the being part. I just wish you didn't have to go through so much shit to be so good at it.

rosemary said...

Thank you Judy and booda....I'm waiting, it's still there, not smaller, not bigger, Steve's back is a mess and he is at the docs, Emma barfed on my clean carpet and I slept like shit. I'm waiting.

Auld Hat said...

I suck at things like this. I was just trying to type, "Maybe it's just an infected duct" but I typed "Maybe it's just infuckted". I am colossally bad at things like this, I get all flustered and forget how to say "I love you. Don't be afraid. I'm here for you". I wasn't there for you when your heart made it's big stink. And I clearly didn't recognize the severity of your recent neck pain hell. I just want you to know that I'm here now. Let's pretend trees can send messages through their roots, and I'll go hug one here and tell you that I love you; and when you get a weird buzz coming off of one in your woods, you'll know that it was my much better attempt at comforting you from 3000 miles away than saying "infuckted".

rosemary said...

I am just waiting, Angela. I was going to tell you before I posted this, but then the peanut butter thing happened and you don't need another worry. I walked today and talked to my favorite stump. It sounds silly, but I feel better. It may be nothing, but of course I have interneted breast lumps a zillion ways and that isn't helpful. TMI.....I have cystic boobs.....maybe it is just that. I worry just to worry. If I don't have anything to worry about I'll worry about Thursday just because it is gonna be Thursday. I love you too.

Bad Alice said...

I'm so sorry. I've been through the absolute hell of a bad mammogram report. But I also have a lump that is just a cyst. Every year they look at it and it's still just a cyst. But how can a woman not worry about this kind of thing? Whatever it is, you found it and you aren't ignoring it.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

I've been absent from my blog & have missed much in the eight months since.
It was so nice to see your name up there. Praying along with everyone else that it's nothing serious Rosemary.

booda baby said...

Thinking extra lovely, healing things for tomorrow. Cystic boobs need healing, too. :)

rosemary said...

Ohhh, thank you booda. I have been up since 4, getting ready to shower, no lotion, deodorant, no perfume......Steve is convinced the lump is isn't...and he thinks it is a calcification....I hope it is. I have stressed myself out so much over this wanting today to be here faster somehow; now I wish it was a week off again. I am ooohming and thinking positively today because even a 70 year pessimistic, doom and gloom lady can change!